V e r i t a s . S o p h i a . I u s t i t i a

I am angry, frustrated, bitter, tired.

I feel betrayed by the propaganda of my youth.

I feel as though I was blindsided into leading this miserable, worthless existence.

I am a passionate human being. Or I was. All that intensity of feeling is slowly and painfully being sapped out of my being.

I feel so empty. Wasted. I have so much to give. Or I had. I've thrown it all away, going down down down.

I am helplessly stranded in a country ravaged and contaminated by the mutations of its own disease.

Vampire.

It has stripped me of everything that made me a human being. The things we do to each other.

I see through your trickery. Broken, but still living, you bloodsucking bitch.

I am sick and full of hate.

I go to church every Sunday. I know a lot of people have problems with the doctrines of the Catholic faith but to those detractors, I simply shake my head and always think to myself, who am we to question the unerring wisdom of our Holy Father in Rome? Like the Pope, I think abortion is wholly immoral and homosexuality an abomination to mankind. Women who are pregnant must give birth. That is God's law (thanks be to God) and even if the child is begotten not of its mother's choice, she should simply bear her cross as our Lord Jesus bore his cross on the road to Calvary. As for homosexuals, their sex act is quite simply a grotesque act of violence against the natural order of the world for which there is no excuse.

I am very thrifty. I never buy books. I borrow from my friends or the library. Oh, about my friends, I should probably mention that all of them are Catholic or have the potential to be converted. They wear very modest clothes- as do I, never drink, swear or smoke, come from sensible families, and they have a knack for never appearing to be in any romantic relationships until the sudden announcement of their upcoming nuptials. Forget about holding hands and kissing and going on dates and I shudder to think what else. We play badminton on weekends. We all love tennis, but badminton racquets are so much cheaper so we compromise. And we always play mixed doubles, so we can interact with members of the opposite sex in a safe social environment.

I watch PG-rated movies. I don't own an article of clothing that's not bought in a second-hand shop, on sale, after an hour of haggling. I don't believe in looking good. That is vanity. That said, I'm always impeccably turned out. Obviously, gorgeous just happens. I work 12 hour workdays and never complain. I am so good at work I am promoted every second week. After two years of work, I've saved enough to buy a sensible car and earned two Teacher of the Year plagues which my dad has had framed in gold-colored plastic. Oh, and I earn a little on the side by carpooling to work. Always looking out for chances to make money, that's me. Have I mentioned, I get on with everyone at work? When I come home at the end of the day, I'm always chipper. I watch TV downstairs with my family, we all enjoy the mandarin soaps, we laugh. I don't lock myself up alone in my bedroom from when work ends till it begins tomorrow.

One of those days when you feel as though everything that could possibly go wrong will. The phone rings and you know there will be nothing but ill tidings. I've switched it to silent mode but the messages are still coming in and as expected, nothing but banalities and disappointments.

Disappointments at every turn. Can't seem to catch a break. Paranoia courses through every nerve in my body. I'm half expecting myself to drop dead at any moment. Cold bullet in the back. That's the way to make an exit.
I have nothing to say to them anyway. You come back from a set down, storm through the second and then lose your serve at 5-all. I feel like I wasted two hours watching a comeback turned letdown.

How bad is it? TV, music, books, basically all my night life- seriously, do nothing but depress me. I'm five episodes into 'Lost' and beginning to wish everyone on that damned island would just go Takeshi Kitano on each other.

Woke up, sent my nephew to school. On the way he told me, in that three-year old way of his, not to work so hard, to be home early, cos, in his own words, when he comes home from school, he "look here look there but cannot find duaku".

Got home, checked my mobile. Don't know why I did that. I know I've shrugged off all responsibilities irresponsibly; I guess I'm checking for repercussions. Two missed calls from my reporting officer.

Screw it. If I'm gonna crash and burn, I might as well go up in a ball of flames. Who knows, they may hit me so hard I finally break and cut through all my niceties and give 'em the kinda shots I vaguely remember having.

It's nine in the morning. I've already had a beer. I'm gonna wash up, take a shower, change my clothes, maybe head somewhere where I can read The Name of the Rose and think, oh yeah, baby, this is what I'm getting in a hot can of soup for and I'm loving it, hell, yeah.

I feel like a fool.

To think, I used to believe that school was fun. It certainly looks more pleasant when you're a student.

Rules are meant to be broken. Honest, they are.

School sucks when you're a teacher. Before I became a teacher, I didn't have a clue how much BS teachers had to put up with.

And I'm not talking about BS from students because you expect that. That's what makes school exciting even.

I'm talking about the BS we get from the management, its bureaucracy and inflexibility.

It is completely incapable of seeing people as individual beings. Each child, they try very hard, must be nurtured to his/her full potential. Differentiated learning, they cry. No two children are the same.

But it's a completely different matter when it comes to teachers. One size fits all.

We have to come to school and sit on our hands for two weeks after school's ended for the kids.

I close my eyes and see these shady figures- the Management- discussing what to do with the teachers after term ends...

"give 'em their holidays?"

"but we pay them..."

"we do"

"but school's out..."

"there's nothing for them to do here"

"they can find something..."

"yes... if we let 'em loose, who knows, they might..."

"... have fun..."

(quiver, quiver)

"they won't like it though..."

"we pay them... we must get our money's worth..."

"if we see them..."

"... it means they can't be doing anything else..."

"even if it means they're doing nothing..."

"... they'll still be doing nothing because we want them to... because..."

"... because we make them..."

"because we pay them to"

(collective evil snickering)

Anyway, I'm not in school now, though I'm supposed to be. I figured, hell, I used to sneak out of school as a student when there weren't classes. I'll be damned if I'm gonna sit around for hours just to clock my number of hours.

Brave new day. America has spoken and its collective voice is clear and resounding...

Old Master Yoda: Wisely for once, you have chosen.

Commander Adama: Thank the frakking gods.